Here I go again on my own..

Well here I am again..complaining about the same old thing..another holiday is coming up and my luck still hasn't changed with the ladies..and still no luck in figuring out what's wrong with me either..

I find a cute girl and then manage to work up the courage to ask her out..and in my opinion that date always turns out pretty good..the only problem is that

afterward I can't even get the girl to give me the time of day..it's at this point that maybe I'll try and give her the benefit of the doubt and keep trying for a little bit..and then I just have to give up again..not knowing anything on how to make myself more attractive to women..and what needs to be done to improve on my game even just a little bit..

And I never get any answers to what i'm doing wrong..all my friends say i'm not doing anything wrong..which I can't believe, since here I sit still a lonely man filled with questions..our if you ask my sister or her husband i'm doing everything wrong..they've taken it upon themselves to make sure I know every single little mistake I make..many of these things though are parts of me that I don't think I could ever change nor do I really want to change them..

Well I guess that's enough of my ranting for one night..and maybe this new year will bring with it many new opportunities for me..you never know..

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Being Alone

So this past saturday i had the chance to attend my cousin's wedding in new orleans..while it was a very lovely event..it just left me feeling empty..like i was the only one there who didn't have somebody..
I'm not sure what it is..It's as if i'm trapped in this box with no windows and no doors..so even if i wanted to let someone in, i couldn't..and i absolutely hate it..
Every single attempt I made this year at getting someone only ended in failure and rejection..it seems like i've tried everything and the only thing that i can come up with is that there's something wrong with me and those around me are just too nice to tell me..or just don't care enough to notice..
the one thing i know for certain is that i want that to change..but i can't since i don't know what needs to be done..no one tells me what's wrong or what i could do better..all i hear is about how i'm such a funny, nice, awesome guy..well that doesn't help me at all..cause if i'm as awesome as you say i am..then it shouldn't be like this..i should be like everyone else..
it would be so nice to know what's going on..what i'm doing wrong..what i'm not doing that i should be..just anything that could make this loneliness go away..someone to make me forget all those days and nights waiting for someone to care enough to invite me to do something..anything at all..
maybe one day it will happen..i just hope that it will be someday soon..

Late night with music on SAD

So..right now i'm jamming out at a time when i should probably be preparing for sleep..if not in bed already..
the problem is i don't want to..as much as i dislike this holiday for what it represents..and as much as i'd like it to end..i can't bring myself to go to sleep..
my mind right now is racing with so many thoughts..i'm not quite sure where to begin..
i'm trying to get over a couple of rejections by some amazing girls who've decided to get boyfriends in the past weeks without bothering to tell me..not that they needed to..it's the only good reason for a girl to reject a guy in the early stages of a relationship..and yet still painful nonetheless..plus trying not to lose my friendship with them..just in case..well you know why..
this little problem of getting over women is only compounded by the fact of how often i hear preached about going on dates and finding one's eternal companion..the pressure seems enormous to not be messing around at a time like this..but it's not my fault they say no, is it? i've got a couple of gift certificates and other such stuff that were given to me specifically for the purpose of dating..and not to seem shallow or anything..but if i'm gonna be dating for marriage, i want to date girls that are potential eternal companions that have certain qualities including, but not limited to being really attractive..and unfortunately for me, this greatly reduces the pool of girls already made slim by the workings of other men on the planet..
i might be able to sleep better at night if this was my only problem but it's not..i've also had this feeling since the end of last semester that what i'm planning on doing with life is wrong..right now i'm majoring in accounting and getting my premed stuff done too..then move on to med school and become the world's best doctor..for one reason or another this just doesn't seem right to me..and i'm not sure why..
another problem is that i'm not quite sure what to change it to..the list of options goes on..from engineering to teaching seminary..and many things in between..
these thoughts have been running through my head all semester..keeping me awake and miserable..
my only respite from these thoughts comes through music..i lose myself in it..trying to forget for a while what's going on and postponing the decisions that need to be made and the things that need doing in my life..
sometimes i can also lose myself through physical exertion..because when my body hurts..by emotions won't..this doesn't happen very often though..because of the amount of work required to make my body shut down is almost more than i can manage to do myself, it takes at least a couple hours everyday doing sprints or something else strenuous like it..if i could just figure things out..then just maybe i'll be able to truly sleep at night and not have to worry about all these things..then i could probably get out of bed in the mornings in time to actually do important morning hour things..like eat breakfast..
well..i'd best be off to at least try to sleep..maybe i'll be able to prepare for tomorrow and figure things out..and hopefully it'll be sooner rather than later..